Inevitable.
Lately, I have been doing some thinking. I won't say a lot of it, merely some to keep me on track. And it isn't about groundbreaking issues or something that would bring about any sort of meaningful change. It is about my life.... and falling in love. And what that means for the things around me. Having endured multiple heartbreaks over the past decade, it would be correct to assume that I have turned into a cynic. I think I have. Maybe I haven't. There is no clear way to define it, there are no black and white lines (you are either a cynic or you aren't, that's not the way it works for me). In certain aspects of life, I am a cynic -- for instance, the USA giving up its Big Brother role in the world (never gonna happen, bro!), entire populations co-existing peacefully (na-uh!), boastful Indians finally accepting that we are an extremely racist people (again not happening). But there are certain aspects where I hover on the fringe. Should I fall in love? Should I wear my heart on my sleeve? Should I display my emotions? Should I stay aloof and cold? Should I give happiness a chance without worrying that too much of it in too little time will later come back to haunt me? I don't know. And I haven't been able to figure out these conundrums yet, I am forever chopping and changing my mind, and it depends on the circumstances and situation around me and the people I am associated with at that point.
How do you fall in love? How does it happen? Do you keep looking for someone to fall in love with? Are you actively looking for love? Or do you just sit passively and wait it out, hoping against hope that one day the almost-perfect person will amble into your life? Is falling in love magical? I can confirm it is. It short-circuits the brain. It makes you do things you would have previously thought of as undoable (and unthinkable). It makes you go that extra length (or kilometre) to make someone smile. It makes you put your own happiness aside to ensure the other person is happy. It makes you try and snap out of your so-called comfort zone, take certain risks, and not just selfishly think for yourself. You don't even know when the process of falling in love happens. It just does -- it might take a second (love at first sight, anyone?), a day, a week, a year, even more than that.... but it inevitably happens. It might be with a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, or your best friend. And you might not choose to acknowledge it, hoping that doing so will somehow make the feeling go away. But it doesn't and it won't... it takes firm roots in your heart and brain, staying there. And it will prick you until you confront it and realise that you have, heavens forbid, actually fallen in love, something you didn't want to do! You thought you were happy. You thought you wanted to be by yourself. You thought you wanted to spend time alone -- reading, writing, playing FIFA and FM long into the night, cooking for yourself and eating six portions of delicious homemade chocolate pudding without having someone to share it with. You thought you were done with relationships, after three long-term ones (and one that lasted all of three months) since you turned 18. You thought you didn't want to make another person the centre of your universe, spending that time on making yourself a better person. You thought you had it all, you thought you were numero uno. "Oh, look at S with her boyfriend. I know she just wants to go home and rest tonight after a long day at work, I know she wants her space, but Kunal wants to step out for dinner, and so she will to make him happy (even though she doesn't want to)....," you thought. And you realised you were blessed to have loads of time to yourself, fulfilling your hobbies, doing a pedicure-manicure and painting your nails a shade of bright red. You didn't have to stay glued to your phone all the time, waiting for someone to ping you when he woke up in England. Waiting for that chat window on Gmail, having to stay logged in forever. Panicking when your phone battery died, for that meant communication would suffer. Giving up on your time because that would also mean communication would suffer. You didn't have to come home and switch on the computer to engage in an hour-long Skype conversation with someone in Newcastle (because it suited their time zone) when you probably just wanted to lie down and stare at the ceiling. You wanted your space, but you also wanted some one by your side, ready with a bowl of chocolate ice cream and some Oasis, maybe cuddling in front of the televisions/laptop to watch a re-run of the seventh season of FRIENDS without doing much talking. But you couldn't have it all and so you went with your space, your hobbies and making up for all the time you missed out on ever since you stepped out of home and entered into your first relationship.
But you don't decide if/when you are ready for love. It actually is Cupid trying to screw up your life, randomly deciding to fire the first warning shot at you. And you fell in love while you didn't even know it was happening. And one morning you woke up in bed to realise it had happened, and you were trying to suppress it. And then you panicked, hoping it would go away, that the other person wouldn't feel the same way about you, that certain things and songs wouldn't remind you of him. But that was not to be. And even though you knew there were more chances of enduring another heartbreak for whatever reasons, you still wanted to look on the bright side of things for a change and give it another shot. Even though you knew that you would mostly crash and burn (again!), lose your sanity, lose the precious time you had set aside for yourself, be uncomfortable, would have to give and share, you were ready to do it. You would go all out because you wanted to, because you didn't often feel that way. After all, the feeling does not happen all the time, but homemade chocolate brownies? Well, I can always make a fresh batch.
Song of the Day: 'Fix You' (Coldplay)
How do you fall in love? How does it happen? Do you keep looking for someone to fall in love with? Are you actively looking for love? Or do you just sit passively and wait it out, hoping against hope that one day the almost-perfect person will amble into your life? Is falling in love magical? I can confirm it is. It short-circuits the brain. It makes you do things you would have previously thought of as undoable (and unthinkable). It makes you go that extra length (or kilometre) to make someone smile. It makes you put your own happiness aside to ensure the other person is happy. It makes you try and snap out of your so-called comfort zone, take certain risks, and not just selfishly think for yourself. You don't even know when the process of falling in love happens. It just does -- it might take a second (love at first sight, anyone?), a day, a week, a year, even more than that.... but it inevitably happens. It might be with a stranger, an acquaintance, a close friend, or your best friend. And you might not choose to acknowledge it, hoping that doing so will somehow make the feeling go away. But it doesn't and it won't... it takes firm roots in your heart and brain, staying there. And it will prick you until you confront it and realise that you have, heavens forbid, actually fallen in love, something you didn't want to do! You thought you were happy. You thought you wanted to be by yourself. You thought you wanted to spend time alone -- reading, writing, playing FIFA and FM long into the night, cooking for yourself and eating six portions of delicious homemade chocolate pudding without having someone to share it with. You thought you were done with relationships, after three long-term ones (and one that lasted all of three months) since you turned 18. You thought you didn't want to make another person the centre of your universe, spending that time on making yourself a better person. You thought you had it all, you thought you were numero uno. "Oh, look at S with her boyfriend. I know she just wants to go home and rest tonight after a long day at work, I know she wants her space, but Kunal wants to step out for dinner, and so she will to make him happy (even though she doesn't want to)....," you thought. And you realised you were blessed to have loads of time to yourself, fulfilling your hobbies, doing a pedicure-manicure and painting your nails a shade of bright red. You didn't have to stay glued to your phone all the time, waiting for someone to ping you when he woke up in England. Waiting for that chat window on Gmail, having to stay logged in forever. Panicking when your phone battery died, for that meant communication would suffer. Giving up on your time because that would also mean communication would suffer. You didn't have to come home and switch on the computer to engage in an hour-long Skype conversation with someone in Newcastle (because it suited their time zone) when you probably just wanted to lie down and stare at the ceiling. You wanted your space, but you also wanted some one by your side, ready with a bowl of chocolate ice cream and some Oasis, maybe cuddling in front of the televisions/laptop to watch a re-run of the seventh season of FRIENDS without doing much talking. But you couldn't have it all and so you went with your space, your hobbies and making up for all the time you missed out on ever since you stepped out of home and entered into your first relationship.
But you don't decide if/when you are ready for love. It actually is Cupid trying to screw up your life, randomly deciding to fire the first warning shot at you. And you fell in love while you didn't even know it was happening. And one morning you woke up in bed to realise it had happened, and you were trying to suppress it. And then you panicked, hoping it would go away, that the other person wouldn't feel the same way about you, that certain things and songs wouldn't remind you of him. But that was not to be. And even though you knew there were more chances of enduring another heartbreak for whatever reasons, you still wanted to look on the bright side of things for a change and give it another shot. Even though you knew that you would mostly crash and burn (again!), lose your sanity, lose the precious time you had set aside for yourself, be uncomfortable, would have to give and share, you were ready to do it. You would go all out because you wanted to, because you didn't often feel that way. After all, the feeling does not happen all the time, but homemade chocolate brownies? Well, I can always make a fresh batch.
Song of the Day: 'Fix You' (Coldplay)
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