Re-booting the human computer?
"So much human life is wasted, waiting."
Read this early in the morning. Thought it made sense. Such deeply disturbing, somewhat depressing words do have a tendency to make me think on a day when I am grumpy and cranky. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the absence of any free time. I am constantly busy, my brain and eyes never really shut down and switch off. Work, chores, home, errands to run, relationship, friends, and numerous other things seem to be permanently lodged in my troubled brain. There are so many things to worry and think about. Early morning: Bolting from bed, brushing, preparing breakfast (a peanut butter sandwich). Deciding what clothes to wear. You know, they have to be appropriate, so I don't get ogled at by the wonderful men in Gurgaon and throughout Delhi. Not that dressing conservatively helps either. Even wearing a decent pair of jeans and a slightly loose-ish t-shirt will invite stares and whistles. Sometimes, I don't understand why I even bother. I don't have the luxury of travelling by a car and being enconsced inside glass and metal. My exterior, skin, clothes and curves are what men see.
After that, the business of getting a rickshaw quickly and reaching the metro station well in time, so I can get a relatively empty train and some place to sit. While surfing for news on the phone and or reading 'The Hindu', thoughts of what is happening in the world, what I am missing, and how I can make better use of time. Looking at the women around me and thinking what their lives must be like -- maybe some are happy, some look upset, sleepy or cranky. Are they fulfilled? Dissatisfied? Want a raise? Want the kid to perform well in the math exam today? Thoughts, again. Then its changing from the blue-line to the yellow-line, rushing to catch the train, again so that I can manage to locate a seat (though its impossible on the other line). Trains are almost full even at 7 in the morning. Early crowd that wants to avoid the office rush. People like me. No one stops to stare. Everyone is on the move, constantly. Not only do the toes and limbs move, but also the brain. Without a stop.
Stand in the train. Feel my feet hurting and back aching. I am only 24. But constant aches and pains remind me of the sedentary lifestyle I have. There is hardly any exercise, even if i try. Office timings are madness. 15 hours spent only for professional purposes. 5-6 hours of sleep. Where does that leave any time for rest or exercise? Anyway, I digressed once again. Stand and think. Alight from the train after an hour. Go down on to the road, then its time to wait for the cab. 30 more minutes until I get to work. I stand quietly at the side of the road, surfing for news, trying to make myself as invisible and unobtrusive as possible. But their eyes will always find you -- from across the road, from within an auto, from the stairs of the metro station. And they will linger on you and your body for that much longer, move up and down, long enough to make you feel sick, cheap and violated. For no fault of yours. Brain is in action again. Cursing and mouthing obscenities. But not loudly. You don't want them to hear lest the consequences are bad. You turn your back, still stand there. Manage to maintain your respect and dignity while still getting violated.
Cab arrives. It's a race through time again. Reach office by 8:45. Start the system, read news and blogs, maybe write something. Think of story ideas. If I have none (which is the case most of the time), feel inadequate, uncompetitive and hopeless. Mourn and sulk. Brain's in freefall through all this. Spend the rest of the day scouring the day for articles and ideas I could have missed or overlooked in the past. Brain still refuses to register anything. Again, I curse myself.
Sit unproductive through the day, reading online and generally feeling lazy and hollowed out. Then, it’s time to go and think about the rush hour in the metro. Hastily pushing and pulling to find a comfortable place to stand in (a vacant seat is as impossible as the absence of a last-minute equaliser/winner at Old Trafford). I chat with the boyfriend over the phone if he’s free. Again the brain is busy, ordering the limbs to grasp on to the rails or the wall so that I do not end up on the floor if the train suddenly brakes or jerks (it tends to do that on a regular basis). No stops whatsoever.
I reach my stop. Take a rickshaw back home. It is 9 pm. Dark outside, the world looks scary when peopled by perverts and lecherous men on the street. My steps immediately quicken. I have already inculcated the habit of looking over my shoulder at every passing man or vehicle, especially speeding bikes and cars with tinted windows. If I reach home safely, pay the rickshaw puller and make it inside the apartment gates, I heave a sigh of relief. But it’s short-lived as worried creep into the brain again. Dinner needs to be decided, laundry needs to be sorted, the house needs to be cleaned up, dishes have been piling up in the sink. But all that is pushed to the background – I climb three storeys, bathe, get into bed and switch on Edward (yes, that’s what my laptop is named). Surf for news, check Twitter and Facebook, get on to Skype where I have a call with my guy. Talk to him, feel better, laugh and smile, maybe fight or argue at times too. You see, a long-distance, inter-continental-in-a-different-time-zone relationship is no piece of cake. It requires efforts on as superhuman scale. The brain is working even then.
Someone said the brain is the fastest computer in the world. I agree. But a computer can be shut down and booted again. What about the human computer? Unfortunately, that never stops.
Read this early in the morning. Thought it made sense. Such deeply disturbing, somewhat depressing words do have a tendency to make me think on a day when I am grumpy and cranky. Maybe it's the lack of sleep. Maybe it's the absence of any free time. I am constantly busy, my brain and eyes never really shut down and switch off. Work, chores, home, errands to run, relationship, friends, and numerous other things seem to be permanently lodged in my troubled brain. There are so many things to worry and think about. Early morning: Bolting from bed, brushing, preparing breakfast (a peanut butter sandwich). Deciding what clothes to wear. You know, they have to be appropriate, so I don't get ogled at by the wonderful men in Gurgaon and throughout Delhi. Not that dressing conservatively helps either. Even wearing a decent pair of jeans and a slightly loose-ish t-shirt will invite stares and whistles. Sometimes, I don't understand why I even bother. I don't have the luxury of travelling by a car and being enconsced inside glass and metal. My exterior, skin, clothes and curves are what men see.
After that, the business of getting a rickshaw quickly and reaching the metro station well in time, so I can get a relatively empty train and some place to sit. While surfing for news on the phone and or reading 'The Hindu', thoughts of what is happening in the world, what I am missing, and how I can make better use of time. Looking at the women around me and thinking what their lives must be like -- maybe some are happy, some look upset, sleepy or cranky. Are they fulfilled? Dissatisfied? Want a raise? Want the kid to perform well in the math exam today? Thoughts, again. Then its changing from the blue-line to the yellow-line, rushing to catch the train, again so that I can manage to locate a seat (though its impossible on the other line). Trains are almost full even at 7 in the morning. Early crowd that wants to avoid the office rush. People like me. No one stops to stare. Everyone is on the move, constantly. Not only do the toes and limbs move, but also the brain. Without a stop.
Stand in the train. Feel my feet hurting and back aching. I am only 24. But constant aches and pains remind me of the sedentary lifestyle I have. There is hardly any exercise, even if i try. Office timings are madness. 15 hours spent only for professional purposes. 5-6 hours of sleep. Where does that leave any time for rest or exercise? Anyway, I digressed once again. Stand and think. Alight from the train after an hour. Go down on to the road, then its time to wait for the cab. 30 more minutes until I get to work. I stand quietly at the side of the road, surfing for news, trying to make myself as invisible and unobtrusive as possible. But their eyes will always find you -- from across the road, from within an auto, from the stairs of the metro station. And they will linger on you and your body for that much longer, move up and down, long enough to make you feel sick, cheap and violated. For no fault of yours. Brain is in action again. Cursing and mouthing obscenities. But not loudly. You don't want them to hear lest the consequences are bad. You turn your back, still stand there. Manage to maintain your respect and dignity while still getting violated.
Cab arrives. It's a race through time again. Reach office by 8:45. Start the system, read news and blogs, maybe write something. Think of story ideas. If I have none (which is the case most of the time), feel inadequate, uncompetitive and hopeless. Mourn and sulk. Brain's in freefall through all this. Spend the rest of the day scouring the day for articles and ideas I could have missed or overlooked in the past. Brain still refuses to register anything. Again, I curse myself.
Sit unproductive through the day, reading online and generally feeling lazy and hollowed out. Then, it’s time to go and think about the rush hour in the metro. Hastily pushing and pulling to find a comfortable place to stand in (a vacant seat is as impossible as the absence of a last-minute equaliser/winner at Old Trafford). I chat with the boyfriend over the phone if he’s free. Again the brain is busy, ordering the limbs to grasp on to the rails or the wall so that I do not end up on the floor if the train suddenly brakes or jerks (it tends to do that on a regular basis). No stops whatsoever.
I reach my stop. Take a rickshaw back home. It is 9 pm. Dark outside, the world looks scary when peopled by perverts and lecherous men on the street. My steps immediately quicken. I have already inculcated the habit of looking over my shoulder at every passing man or vehicle, especially speeding bikes and cars with tinted windows. If I reach home safely, pay the rickshaw puller and make it inside the apartment gates, I heave a sigh of relief. But it’s short-lived as worried creep into the brain again. Dinner needs to be decided, laundry needs to be sorted, the house needs to be cleaned up, dishes have been piling up in the sink. But all that is pushed to the background – I climb three storeys, bathe, get into bed and switch on Edward (yes, that’s what my laptop is named). Surf for news, check Twitter and Facebook, get on to Skype where I have a call with my guy. Talk to him, feel better, laugh and smile, maybe fight or argue at times too. You see, a long-distance, inter-continental-in-a-different-time-zone relationship is no piece of cake. It requires efforts on as superhuman scale. The brain is working even then.
Someone said the brain is the fastest computer in the world. I agree. But a computer can be shut down and booted again. What about the human computer? Unfortunately, that never stops.
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