Musings.

I am a tad tipsy. And when I am slightly high on alcohol, a lot of thoughts come flooding back to me and make me think. Especially when everyone has left and you are finally left all alone in the loneliness of your room. Well, I had a supremely fantastic evening and night. Two of us went to Park Street, where we wanted to hit the Olypub. However, a weekend night, particularly Saturday, and the popularity of the place, dashed our plans. Thankfully, Subh was close by and being the Army brat that he is (I kid! He's a super guy!), suggested Oasis just 20m away from Olypub. Now the name of the pub drew me to it at once (what's not to like? It's one of my favourite bands!). Vaibhav and me started drinking, Subh joined us later. Beer flowed freely, along with a few shots of rum, two plates of starters and quite a few plates of snacks (peanuts, dalmoth and their like). The conversation was brilliant -- we discussed Arsenal and their Invincible season. We discussed the best leftback in their history and what made Gilberto such a fuckin' brilliant guy. We discussed how Tony Adams would/would not have been the equivalent of an asshole like John Terry in today's football. We discussed the god that is Dennis Bergkamp, and THAT goal against Newcastle. We discussed Overmars and Edu (before his horrific leg injury) and Arsene Wenger. We recollected incidents -- a drunk me having punched a United fan in the face (all three of us were united in our United hatred; Subh and me are also Scousers. Yay!), Vaibhav ALMOST being beaten on the London tube by a giant West Ham fan, etc. After being thrown out of the pub when it closed, we went to Some Place Else, in Park Hotel. Chilled for a bit, heard an electric rock band playing. Scooted from there and drove around the city, singing songs, laughing loudly, cursing pedestrians in Bangla and what-not. It was good fun!

Now I am back in my hotel room, typing away on my laptop. All the aftereffects of the alcohol have vanished, I am quite clearheaded. So the memories have returned. And I can think of a very uncertain future. I am 26, not getting any younger. There is a lot of pressure from all quarters -- to get married. I am madly in love with a guy but I cannot see ourselves settling down for the next two years at least (that's a minimum time frame). I know he loves me, and that's all that matters, but at times, I am confused. Not about what I feel (I know how I feel about him) but about what he feels for me. I'm a little wary, even afraid. There's possibly not going to be another relationship for me -- if this ends, I'll just about give up and stay single. I have nothing more left to give. I cannot make anymore efforts. I cannot keep trying and trying and trying, especially if I don't know where things are headed, then getting screwed up, and then turning sour and breaking up. I won't be able to do it. I'll just live alone, with my books and football, although that is not something I would ever want to do. But that might be the only option I am left with.

Damn, now I am upset. And worried. And anxious. And massively scared again.

Damn.