Blah Blah Blah.....!!

I am in a really terrible mood today. So please, bear with me! Because I have no one else to share my thoughts with. I could have written about it in my diary....but then typing it out seems so much more easier, than taking a paper and pen and writing stuff out! Phew!! WHATEVER!! I am feeling just so horrible right now. Who should I talk to? Who will listen to me with the fullest-possible attention, without inferring anything from what I say, or drawing wrong/misplaced judgments? I know that I am difficult to understand... but I have seen even more difficult people. And even they have someone they can confide in. Well....mostly. What about me? Who do I talk to? Who do I relate to? Who do I share my joys and sorrows with? Friends.... who will feel good about my failures, or inadequacies to cope with the frenetic pace of this demanding life? Or those who will crow over my defeats? Or those, who will sugar-coat their words to make me feel better for a minute, and will bitch about me the very next? Who do I vent out stuff to?

Lately, I feel as if I am locked up in a giant bell-jar, with no opening. I am in a vacuum. I am totally detached, nothing matters to me anymore. Nothing ever comes in, nothing ever goes out. A giant, huge, humongous, vacuus space.... where its just me, by myself, with my disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that could kill me, thoughts that could probably hollow me, as they have already done. I feel deflated, dejected, disappointed. And the best part is.... I have no clue why I am feeling this way. I cannot, for heaven's sake, clearly point out a reason. Or blame anyone or anything for this. This is what frustrates me the most. Not having a single clear point to lay your finger on. And then feel satisfied.

This world hasn't exactly been cruel to me. But then, it hasn't been that generous either. Where's love today...you might ask? Well, I have started questioning too. That is the very question whose answer I seek. Sometimes I even end up questioning the veracity of this thing called 'Love'. People say there's more than enough to go around in this world. That's the funniest thing I have ever heard, I will tell you! It just makes me smile sardonically, and ask all those dumbheads out there, "What? Do you even have an idea what you are ranting about?" There is nothing called 'love', actually. What does exist is just a feeling that you get over pretty quickly, once the initial rush of feelings and excitement subside. And believe me...that tends to happen pretty quickly in today's world. I know it.... I have strived, I have given it my best shot, and forever will. But where are the results? What do I have to show for my efforts?? An empty shell? A skeleton? A hollowed-out viscera, a carcass, a body from which every inch of flesh has been ripped out? Is this me? Is this what I have become today? Sometimes, I just don't want to give a damn about anything (or anyone) in this world. I just want to be plain selfish... mean,hateful,nasty,vicious,vindictive,unsacrificing,self-gloating,hedonistic! What wouldn't I give to be reckless and impulsive? To put myself first before others? To spiral headlong into an activity or thought without having to bother about the consequences later? To think about me, myself, and no one else? To be accountable and answerable to myself, and no one else?

Life sometimes deals you a rough hand, you end up passing through a rough patch. It could lead you somewhere. But then, it could also lead you nowhere. I have no clue where it is leading me at this moment. Maybe it would be terrific if I just took a break from this journey called 'Life'. Maybe I could be at peace then. Maybe I would rest languourously. Maybe I could be happy. Maybe I could forget everything then, and even forgive everybody. Maybe I could believe in love, that sustains this world (what crap is that?) Maybe I would just be myself then.....the only difference would be... myself in death, not in life..............