March 8, 2008 (Saturday)

I have no idea what is wrong with me lately. I am irritable, snappy, cranky....just feel like slapping people around me...especially those who irritate me to the hilt. I am tired of burdening myself with so much of unwanted tensions, I bring them upon me without any rhyme or reason, unnecessarily. I do not need them. Yet, I bring them on. What am I trying to prove? And to whom? Myself? The world? The people around me? My boyfriend? That I am strong? That I will not crack under pressure? That I can take all this? Oh...but I surely am buckling and cracking. And it won't be very wrong before something drives me to the edge. Studies, ACJ, Vivek...everything has been burdening me so much these days. Like yesterday, Vivek very coolly stated that he did not want to take any tensions on account of our relationship. No. Tension. At All. Hello??????? So does this mean that I am stupid enough to be worrying about us? About whatever that goes wrong? About ways to set them right? About ways to take our relationship forward? About ways to make us feel better? Even I am busy....I have my dissertation to do, internship to look forward to, stuff to write for Viewspaper, read for my coming entrance examination. I cannot afford to worry so much about minor things. But that is the whole point.....these are not minor things for me. Our relationship is not minor to me. I want it to work out. And work out well. But I don't see that happening if I am the only one who thinks about US. Or about what we share. I cannot bear the entire onus upon myself. I am slowly, but surely, cracking under pressure. I am not a strong character. I am weak...someone who just wants to let things go. But doesn't let them go because she wants them too much and is scared of what will happen if she does not get what she wants. I am a weakling. My head throbs and aches most of the time now. It splits with terrible pain. I am tired of glaring and frowning and scowling at everything and nothing around me. I want to be the same old person I was a few days back....calm, cheerful, bubbly, exuberant, juvenile, bouncing with life and vigour, making everyone around her smile and laugh, cracking jokes and making funny comments, being sarcastic and kind, both at the same time. Where is my former self? Will I ever get it back? I really want the answer.... I am withering under the lights and glares.... I am not myself... I am not myself.....!!